I’ve got a little PTSD problem.  It took quite a bit for me to admit to myself that I had the problem in the first place.  See, my identity is a brave and non-anxious warrior who is capable of fighting and running and emotional self-control.  However, I am human, and there are some things I’m terrified about.  I found the Litany Against Fear to be quite helpful. I took the time to remember the scary memories and too look at why I was so damn afraid. Well, it turns out I had good reasons to be terrified at the time. When I compared the situation then to the situation now? Nope. It is not rational to be afraid now, at least not overwhelmingly so.

I’m afraid that my body will fail me, that I’ll be trapped and helpless, that people will invade my bodily integrity without my consent, and without explaining what is going on. Sounds reasonable to be afraid of that, no? And, it will happen again, statistically speaking. When I stare at my fear as a grown adult, I can accept that I don’t always control what my body does, that sometimes it will fail me. I can accept that I will not always be able to fight or flee, that sometimes I will be stuck in a state of pain and suffering with no foreseeable way out. I can accept that sometimes people are assholes, authoritarian egomaniacs, and the like. Once I face my fears, I can look within myself, and see where it goes. I can see that I’ve created an imagined identity for myself that is at odds with my lived bodily experience. I can change that identity just enough to incorporate my non-perfection.

Accepting my body’s non-perfection, I can use what I’ve got. Accepting my trapped nature, I can find other things that I’m not helpless about. Accepting that some people are assholes, I can show compassion and strengthen the non-assholes, and let them know that they are not alone. Together, we overcome our fears. But first we have to look at them, to stop avoiding the pain, the suffering, the sorrow.  Perhaps I am more than a warrior.